(Originally published 11 Nov 2013)
Normal(ish) service has been resumed here you'll be glad / apathetic / gutted* (* - delete as applicable) to know. Sorry for the delay in posting something new; there were leaves on the line.
Anyway...Time...it's a old funny thing. I mean not funny enough to be shortlisted for a TWIM Award, but it has its moments. I really do wonder where it goes. It's a cliché I know, but it's true. I feel like my life is on a trajectory that I only have a minimal control of. No sooner do I wake up in the morning than I seem to be putting on my onesie (yeah I wear a onesie...what of it!) and getting ready for bed. I'm convinced we need to have a recount on the hours of the day because there's no way there are 24 of them. Monday blurs into Friday. Here comes summer falls headlong into winter. Its suncream one minute, the next we're on the countdown to Christmas (43 days in case you were wondering). Life just goes too fast for me. It occasionally slows down enough to let me get on (or is it off?) but momentum throws me before I've even attached my seatbelt. People talk about being at the crossroads in their life. I'd love to only have those 4 options. I feel like there are a hundred different paths going off in a hundred different directions. Some are straight. Some go up. Some loop back on themselves. Some seem like the right way, but only temporarily. I always manage to overthink my way back to square one sooner or later. I want to go every way, but then, I want stay put. Sometimes all at the same time. It's exhausting being me!
I don't know if the contents of this blog has ever had an effect on someone reading it, but one of the first blogs I ever read on Wordpress was struggling4sanity (sadly no longer available). I'm not even sure how I came across it, but the first post I read from there hit me like a virtual ton of computer-generated bricks. Now I love writing and I love words, but I don't think I would be able to articulate how I feel as well as this post. I'm certainly not suggesting I've been through what this guy has, but whatever different paths we've walked up until this point, the destination is virtually the same.
Growing up I was a very outgoing, extroverted, caring and protective individual; the class clown, the athlete, friends from every possible “clique” you could imagine. I never set my sights above anyone — I still don’t. I find out thirty some-odd years later my whole life has been nothing but one big mask. I am the ultimate chameleon. I can fit in anywhere and everywhere I go. I can mask the anxiety and become whatever is around me. I’ve experienced too much in life to NOT be able to find common ground with ALL people in EVERY surrounding. I have been doing this so long that I don’t even know who I truly am. I don’t know me. I don’t know what my true outlook is on life or how I feel. You see, it is like being in a debate room 24/7. I can see all sides of every situation and can argue each with confidence and conviction. All of this…..all in my head…constantly. I can argue a situation with myself to the point where I end up sick because everything and nothing makes sense. Intellectually, I can understand every side; Emotionally…………..well, blank. My college ruled piece of paper regarding my emotions is so blank that even the lines are beginning to disappear.
Some people take great comfort in not knowing what life is going to throw at them. They revel in spontaneity. They know what they want and how to get it. I don't think I'm one of them. I used to be (I think) but after life hit me with too many direct hits I'm overly cautious. Will I ever be again? Who knows. Maybe I'm just too timid, or maybe scared, to poke my head out from the parapet. Anyone got a suit of armour they don't need?