Smilestones

(Originally published 19 Dec 2013)

Blimey, nearly a month since I've wrote something on here.  I've had a very up and down few weeks which has caused me to be a bit lackadaisical in this whole blogging thing.  Apologies.  If, of course, you hadn't even noticed, then just ignore me!  C- Must Try Harder.  It's not been for the want of trying.  I've start about half a dozen...no, wait, not that many....maybe about 6 posts that I just haven't finished either because they didn't go anywhere (what do you mean "what's new"!!) or because I didn't really know what I was trying to say.  This may prove to be exactly the same, but it's getting posted no matter what!

In the last month I've been through various states of mind and roller-coaster emotions that would probably test the most 'normal' person, let alone a mentalist like me.  Selling a house, looking for another house, having a birthday, not selling a house, decorating my son's room (including my first ever piece of wallpapering...is doesn't have to be straight right??), preparations for the festive period, redecorating my new 'office', Christmas shopping and a partridge in a pear tree.  I've also felt like I've been fighting off being poorly for weeks.  Like the virus that will condemn me to my stink-pit is just teasing me just out of reach.  Generally...woe is me!  I bet you wish you'd never asked ;-)

Still, enough about me, let's talk about you.  Have you ever had a moment, a mood, a state of mind you wish you could capture and live with?  That rare feeling were nothing seems too much, everything's achievable and within easy reach.  That elusive sense of being that you wish you could pull out of your bag and clip like a mask on when you need to.  I know I have (oh here we go, him again), more often than usual these last few weeks.  The feeling I want to capture is such a rarity that I don't know when it's coming or close enough to reach out and grab.  I think one of the hardest reasons is that I'm never quite sure how I feel, or even what I feel, about things.  I acknowledge the emotions I feel, but I don't know which of those feelings are the 'real' me.  Am I sad or depressed, bored or apathetic, unmotivated or lazy, happy or medicated.  Which feelings are a by-product of my mental ill-health and which are just me being me.    I wish I could tell you.  I suppose until I know who I am these days, I won't be able to.  You'll just have to keep coming back (see what I did there ;-) to see.

2013 has flown by so fast.  I can't believe where the time has gone.  I haven't stopped to think about what I've achieved with this blog (did I mention I've been nominated for not 1, not 3 but 2 awards ;-), what I've been through personally, what I'm going through mentally so, as the New Year is fast approaching (I hope that's not news to you)  it's a good time to draw a line in the sand.  To make those life-affirming resolutions you'll live by for the year ahead.  For me, I'm not wanting to simply make a list of easily breakable promises, but more to make a stand for the person I want, even need, to be.  I know I could start that tomorrow, but I've got so much to do! ;-)