(Originally published 1 Aug 2013)
I've enjoyed writing this blog but I've become more and more conscious that I've written little about my condition; Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and how it affects me and those around me. Maybe I should change that going forward. Maybe it's that I've been unwilling / unable / uneasy to fully expose the downsides of my condition in anything other my own consciousness or, more recently, my notebook that's become ever present. I've always been into gadgets and electronica, but I've regressed back to writing everything in a book. It feels more honest. It feels like there's less self-editing going on when I can write it straight to paper, rather than the sanitised version I think I've been doing on here. Let's change that from now on.
So me and PTSD. It's difficult to succinctly put into words. I've lived with it for so long and it has impacted on so many aspects of my life it would fill a thousand blog posts if I let it. It's been brought back to the forefront today after another EMDR session. It feels like a long time since I had one; in reality it's only been a few weeks. I was quite anxious about the session today, probably because of the perceived gap since the last one or maybe just the 'incidents' I've had over the last few weeks that have lowered my mood and dampened my slowly growing optimism. I'm not going to go into EMDR too much now, there's plenty of information about it on the interweb if you're interested, but sufficed it's been a massive help to me. It brings out the honesty and the raw emotions that you try to bottle up and forces you to deal with them, or rather forces your brain to deal with them in the way it normally should deal with any memories. I've had 6 sessions now and it's helped me (almost) conquer nightmares and flashbacks I've lived with for 3-4 years. It feels good and not a little like witchcraft at times.