(Originally published 23 Sep 2013)
Firstly I'd like to welcome any new readers that might have found their way here from The World of Mentalists. Welcome, bienvenue, willkommen and, of course, for our Tongan friends...Talitali fiefia.
It's been a funny ol' week. That's funny peculiar, not funny haha. It's had its up and downs much like any other week, much like yours I imagine but, for some reason, the highs and lows of this particular week have resonated more. I had my first 'article' on TWIM published this week (read it here). It was something I've been trying to do for some time but once I had the date in the diary, the anxiety of actually doing it started to build. Over recent years I've become my own worst critic. Perhaps it's a bi-product of my condition(s) or maybe I've just gradually become that guy that constantly tweaks everything; although as far as the article was concerned...the tweaking had to start and end in a timely manner. One thing I do know for sure (I think ;-) was how many people could read it, judge it, critique it and, at a stretch, enjoy it caused more than one peak in the normality meter. Still it's out there now.
It did confirm one thing for me. I love writing. You can be the judge of whether I can right dead good words or knot but, either way, I love doing it. Look I'm doing it again now. In many ways the joy and fear of writing that piece summed up how my depression affects me. I feel like I'm constantly walking a line between positive and negative. Some days I feel like I can conquer whatever the world throws at me. Optimism flows, goals seem easily achievable and I wonder if there is anything wrong with me at all. The switches are all in the right place, head up, chest out, I'm focussed and the notion of even thinking any other way seems as alien as....well...an alien thing. The flip side, and sadly there has to be one at the moment, always manages to creep in the back door eventually. Sooner or later, the switches all flip, those same goals seem pointless and unreachable. Pessimism becomes the norm to the point where it clouds every corner of my brain and I can't even understand how, or why, I would dare to think differently. Positivity? Pah! Achieve something? Pfft!
It can be a different balancing act at times, for me and my family and friends. Sometimes I never know which side of the line I'm on from one day, even hour, to the next so they've got no chance. It's a shame I can't schedule good days in the diary. Life is a roller coaster for sure. I wonder if tomorrow will be The Smiler or Nemesis